My evening jitters began when I saw the orchids and pianos enter the Grand Hall. The elegant colors trace an outline of a life slowed down by the arts. The concert hall was warm, the lights aglow, the seats soft, and the murals portraying glimpses of heaven. They all eased in without a word, except the coward. He twitched his way in with a loud boisterous voice. He wore a cheap white shirt barely covering his belly, a short black tie scarcely used. The only thing that fit his fat self was his shoulder holstered gun that was barely hidden beneath his wrinkled coat. From the backstage, I swore I could see his police shield and knew he was a government employee from the discounted seat he occupied.

I paced backstage searching for stimulation to get away from everything that was broken down inside me. I had a frozen chest and plastic eyes that wouldn’t roll, my finger joints stuck. I hid them in my front pockets as I strolled around backstage. Everything was upside down in my efforts to behave normally. I asked my stand partner to sign the roster for me, I couldn’t write, “nerves,” I told him. I paced around with a robot smile and bowed slightly to people saying, “Congratulations,” or “Break-a-leg,” replying, “Good luck,” in return even though it didn’t make sense. The one thing I couldn’t do was split the curtain and look for Sam. I just couldn’t look at him yet. Did he know about anything? He’s such a forgiver of all the shit Mark ever gave to him.

It sickened me to know that a sense of well being, a quiet soul – some constancy – can never be mine again. Not like the way it used to be before. I saw the look of blood leaving someone’s body, how their face and mouth’s click and squeak. It’s unreal to me. I wanted to put some “eye-black” on for the performance tonight. So I could look like a football player going in to try and defeat the slaughter score, I was facing. As ultimately Mark won by dying. That was the easy part, to lay there and die. I knew somewhere he was looking at me and laughing knowing I had to stay and face the slaughter. Knowing that he had gotten me by bilking my purse money and then ruining the biggest night of my life, yes, it was a given, he had slaughtered me.